vagabondprophet:

Solitary Refinement Chapter 14

Dear Joshua                                        December 2nd 2017

    I’ve never really been artistically gifted. Stick figures is all I could ever do. However lately I’ve been finding myself wishing I had paints, maybe watercolours? I like the way that the colours bleed into one another.

I once saw a graphic novel where all the people and structures were sketched in pen or pencil, solid black lines, and then the colour was all filled in with watercolours. And things like trees and clouds were watercolours too. I liked how the black line told me that this is where that object ends, and the paint suggested otherwise as it bled past the penciled boundaries just a little bit. As if to make the whole image share the page, and share the viewers attention. It was the first time I really paid much attention to the style and medium of the pieces; asking questions like, “why did the artist do it that way? that’s so unusual.” In the end the strongest feeling I got was this idea that every person extends beyond their body just a little bit to colour the world around them. Sometimes if I squint I can see it still. Nina she blurred everything pink around her. Alister orange because of his sunny disposition, his creativity so boundless that the world is created anew every time he wakes. Kal leaks grey, and I don’t know what colour bleeds out of me and I’m not about to ask anybody either.

If I were to paint what it looks like in here I would run out of grey before I touched any of the good colours. I remember learning in stories about how the world came to be, and no matter which one you listened to they were always so colourful. In the Christian story God created everything with just his words and then it happened. Trees, roosters, the seas, everything. Other stories have mother earth and father sky, so many different stories but they are all common in being vividly colourful. Rich blues and delicate yellows, royal purples and deep greens. I really miss seeing the expansive and rich diversity of the outside world.

When God creates it’s colourful. When man creates, it’s grey and monochromatic. This place is built by men, for men, because of what men have done and none of it is beautiful or worth a second glance.

The more and more I get scared about Kal doing something to me the more I wish I was on the outside. Even if it was to do something like clean the gutters. Scooping the mucky browns from above the dewy green of the grass is still so much better than being here.

I realized recently that I don’t know how I would react if I was cornered by him. If my back was against the wall and nobody was there to help me. Would I just let him hurt me and hope it’s over soon? Would I shout and scream hoping somebody came? Would I try to run or fight. Hopefully I never have to find out what will happen in that kind of situation. I like to think I might be able to fight him off until a guard came to stop him. I’ll need to find a weapon I can keep on me or hidden under my bed or something. It seems crazy that I’ve been in prison for almost six months and I’m yet to find out what kind of person I am in crisis.

It won’t be that way forever. I can’t keep counting on Ziggy or Trevor or even Mark to always be there to make sure I don’t get hurt. A person as scared of Kal as I am, I need to know what I’ll do when I’m in a situation where I have to protect myself. I could maybe find a weapon. I’ll figure it out after Christmas. Right now I’ve been working so much when I’m not in my cooking program to try and get Christmas presents, I don’t know what I’ll get yet for the kids. If I need your help again I’ll let you know. Thanks for listening to all of my random thoughts.