Solitary Refinement Chapter 30

Dear Joshua and Elizabeth                                April 28th 2018

How long has this been going on? I wish I’d yelled all this at you this morning, I was just so blind with rage I couldn’t. You two are lucky I’m much more articulate on paper than in person. You going to tell me Josh? I can not believe this. This is so much worse than the idea that my cellmate might try to rape me tonight. Is that why you suggested I look into divorce? To pave the way for you keeping my side of the bed warm? You really are a bastard you know that. That you would take the opportunity of my wrongful imprisonment to seduce my wife. That is sick really sick. Then when you know I might be dying, instead of letting me die in ignorance you come here with my own wife to try to explain to me about why I should really sign the divorce papers. Couldn’t you have just let me die without dealing with all of this, you obviously don’t care about me at all.

I had been in such a glum mood, as if the weather outside was mirrored in my countenance. It was raining so hard outside and the wind was howling and I remember looking out the window into the storm thinking I’d still rather be out there if it was with my Liz. I was so looking forward to seeing who it was when a guard came and told me I had a visitor. It was still early, just after breakfast just earlier today. I didn’t know who, I thought maybe you Liz had received my last letter and had a change of heart and wanted to let me see your lovely face one last time before I went to deal with what you both know is coming for me. God damn it, it was the happiest I’d ever been in here. I stopped at the bathroom on the way over to try and arrange my hair the best I could, the way I know you like it Liz. Tried to wash away the sweat and wash my face hoping the bloodshot eyes would go away. I didn’t even care about the cave that time looking into the mirror, I would have marched in there alone with weapons brandished ready to laugh in the face of whatever I encountered.

She’s come to see me, finally. This will be okay it’ll take time but everything will work out. That’s what I was thinking on my way over.

Then I saw you both, together. It didn’t even register at first. Damn she’s beautiful I was thinking, wearing the red top and black skirt that I like, your hair down. You looked so good, I just wanted there to be no glass between us so I could touch your hand.

That was until I saw the two of you were holding hands.

That was until I saw you weren’t wearing your wedding ring.

That was until I saw the divorce papers and a shiny new pen sitting on the table ready to slide under the partition. You’d even marked the spots I needed to sign and initial. Well aren’t you thoughtful.

Were you jealous I’d landed myself such a hot wife Josh? Is that it you just had to have one more notch on your bedpost, sorry my bedpost?

Or was it you Liz? Were you so done and tired with me that you figured my incarceration was an easy out? Was I that awful? I know I’m not the smartest or best looking, didn’t make the most money but I loved you and I cared. That’s all I ever wanted from you, why wasn’t it enough for you, that you had to go to my best friend the moment opportunity presents itself? You know if you had just told me you wanted a divorce a long time ago I would have given it to you? It would have broken my heart like you wouldn’t believe, but I’d have done it. As long as I still get to see the kids, and I give you what you want most. That’s what I tried to do just about every damn day why wouldn’t I do it here? I just don’t get it. If you hate me or just don’t love me, that sucks but if you leave me what could I do about it really? This though, this is like intentional torture. Pernicious. Yeah that’s right pernicious. Liz you always wanted me to try and sound smarter, so I’ve been reading books and poetry in here. Hoping one day I could recite you something romantic. Improving my vocabulary so I could impress you with how smart I got. I did all that from inside prison so I could return to you better than when I came here, so you could finally be proud of me.

Yet there the two of you were, just waiting for me to sign. Wouldn’t even tell me where the kids were. Just that they’re “fine”, whatever the hell that means. Oh and that I’d be allowed to see them once I was finished serving my sentence.

Allowed!?

ALLOWED!!!!

Are you kidding me, do you honestly think you’ll be able to keep them from me? Right now I have two knives in my cell and I am prepared to kill people to ensure I get back to my family in one piece. You’re telling me that my children are the only pieces of that left. Everything else is just in my way. I have loved you both, and I have given all of myself to being a husband and father and friend. Father is all that’s left. Do you have any idea what is left of the man who first walked through these doors? In the last week my cellmate threatened and attempted to assault me. He is a sex criminal. Also the person I’d been counting on to protect me, the one who for some reason I don’t even know keeps Kal away from me, he won’t do it anymore. Wouldn’t really even say why, just won’t. I am completely on my own in here and now you tell me I am completely on my own out there too. With the exception of my babies of course. Go ahead tell Alister that I’m coming home, I don’t know how long it’ll take but I’ll get there. I think I may take a page out of Ziggy’s book and decide life on my own terms.

I’ve changed.

You’ll find I can be pernicious too.

A.N. I’d love to know what people are thinking of this story so far.