Solitary Refinement Chapter 11
Dear Joshua October 16th 2017
Hey I wanted to say something. Liz isn’t a bitch. I think that when I wrote you yesterday I was just venting because I was upset about Nina’s present I worked so hard to get for her get literally kicked to the curb. I still am upset but the things I said weren’t fair to say, especially about my own wife whom I love. She’s mad at me right now and I need to respect that, I’m the idiot that won’t stop poking my fingers into a situation she’s made pretty clear she wants me to stay out of for now. I guess I need to just not do anything for a while and let her come to me. I don’t know anymore it’s just so hard to not even try to do something for even the kids, especially with birthdays.
If you can think of any possible way I might be able to get through to her I’m all ears dude. It might seem crazy to you but I still miss her like you wouldn’t believe. Waking up next to her tomorrow morning would quite literally be a dream come true, especially considering that instead I’ll be waking up in a bunk bed above Kal. Right now I’m really hurt by her but this is all my fault anyways for being so stupid and naive I can’t really be mad at her.
I put her in this situation. Me, nobody else. One hundred percent my fault.
I hope she responds in the next few months. It’s just so hard to try and bridge the gap when I can’t even talk to her on the phone, just letters she can throw in the trash if she wants to. If I can’t get her to respond to me for my whole sentence I still know I’ll be able to get her to come around once I’m out, I always could even after years of me doing stupid crap that made her upset with me. I just need to be there in person than I know I can fix this. Come to think of it it seems like most of the time me ‘fixing’ it in the past wasn’t when I stopped doing what made her mad in the first place, like leaving the toilet seat up or inviting over guests without giving her a heads up. It was always when I’d take her out to a fancy restaurant and she could get dolled up. Or if I bought her a new outfit or paid for her to go to the spa with her friends. It was always that sort of thing that’d make her happy with me again. Didn’t matter that I’d have to do twelves for a week to pay for whatever I gave her, that’s what she wanted. What can you do right? That’s the queen I married and she wants to be treated like royalty, and I love her so I do. Just wasn’t enough sometimes.
Now I’m tired because I can’t sleep for fear of Kal. What I wouldn’t give to be tired because I had worked long hours to do something that made my lovely wife happy with her dummy of a husband again. Seriously I’ll listen to any idea you have at all no matter how crazy or far fetched it sounds, I’m so desperate to hear from her you have no idea.
Solitary Refinement Chapter 10
Dear Joshua
October 15th 2017
What!? Are you serious?! Out on the curb with a free sign? Oh man that made me so upset I had to wait a few days to even reply to your letter. So I went to all the trouble to do extra work around here, often doing Trevor’s share too to get you that money. Then you wasted your own damn time picking that stupid trike up from whoever was selling it and dropped it off at my place. Liz knew exactly why it was there and still put it out on the curb. Did I ever tell you that I’m still giving Trevor my desserts as payment for that favour? I hope that little Nina didn’t see it and understand that it was meant for her before it got left out in the rain. I can see it all too clear in my head.
First she would see it and her eyes would light up, then she would start jumping up and down and giggling and screaming,
“Fir me fir me! Birfday Birfday yayyy!”
Then her brother would probably get her shoes and helmet while she was busy doing her happy dance so she could try it out right away. Then once she realized it was being taken away her mood would go back down, more slowly than it rose. Her grin would shift and tremble and then get stuck upside down. Her eyes would fill with tears as she tried to hold them back and then she wouldn’t be able to any longer and she’d just wail and wail and wail. Man I really hope that’s not how it went down.
What would she have said to poor little Nina?
“Sorry this isn’t for you?”
“This is here by mistake?”
“This is here from Daddy but you can’t have it?”
“Daddy is a bad guy and we don’t take things from bad guys?”
I just don’t get it man, it’s a birthday present for a child who has nothing to do with any of this. I hope Nina gets to have a fun party, she might not I was usually the one to plan all that and invite all her friends. This blows it’s not fair to anybody what does Liz think she’s gaining or doing by hurting her own daughter like this? It’s just so vindictive and bitchy. Freaking unbelievable.
Thanks anyways for doing all that work to get it to her, it must have been a pretty big inconvenience. Ugh this is so damn awful I can’t even think right now. I’ll try to think of something else for their Christmas presents once I’m not so upset. Her third birthday and I had one chance to do something special for her so she knows I’m still thinking of her and I blew it. What was I thinking if she’s not letting me see them why did I think she’d let them receive stuff from me. I guess I hoped she’d put the kids first.
Balsa Wood
If I could remake you
Out of balsa wood
Would I?
You’d be lighter
Yet strong,
Easily take flight.
The wind would push
Against your wings
And caress your face.
Ascension, descension,
Thrown by the carelessness
Of the air and the sky.
Letting every splinter
Alter your course,
Dancing on the map.
Would you even return,
Fight the current
To come back to me.
I see you in the flesh
And swear
You’re something better
Could I set you free?
Free of the land
And free of me.
Knots and imperfections
Same as now,
But you would fly.
You belong
High above me,
A distant speck.
I can’t make this choice
I’m selfish in my love,
What say You?
Wind filled wingspan?
Or me, simply me,
Pink tongue, white teeth.
I’ll be yours
To hold and kiss,
To wriggle against.
I know it’s a poor choice.
I’ve always ruffled
One too many feathers.
So which is it?
The clouds,
Cotton and dewy.
Or me, simply me
I’ll hold you close
And love you tenderly.
If you wish
I’ll remake you
Out of balsa wood
But know that if
The gale proves too much,
You may return to me
I’d make you safe again
Peeling back every ring
Of that lovely balsa wood.
– Vagabond Prophet
I think I’m in despair
The wind is in the trees
Basically, just waiting for something to come along and eat me
Is this future’s gate?
Where my dreams retreat?
And all my memories are just memories of memories?
And a-folded in a dream
Pitch-black and glowing blue
A raven saying, ‘I know a way that I can help you’
Oh-oh, I stared into his eyes
I saw my pale last days
Said, ‘What you can’t escape, you gotta embrace.’
Ah-oh, I know a way to get back
This don’t have to end
A way to get back
And haunt them. Haunt them. Haunt them
Then he wished me plain
As he flew away
Said I’d see him coming on that pale last day
And he wished me plain
Ordinary death
Said he’d be back after I escaped it
oh
I’ve seen how they are
How they’d all sell their souls
In little bits and pieces, til they get old
They don’t make a dent
In indifference
We’ll haunt them. Haunt them. Haunt them
But I want to go back
If this is the end
I want to go back
Not to ‘haunt them, haunt them, haunt them.’
Not to haunt them, haunt them
Not to haunt them, haunt, haunt
Haunt them, haunt them
Gordon Downie, if you haven’t listen to his solo album “Secret Path” you need to. Especially if you listen to it along with the accompanying graphic novel. It is nothing short of heart breaking and wonderful.
today,
I must apologize to myself
for placing a hand
over my mouth
while my voice patiently waited
to be heard.
sure,
you lit the match
but I
walked in the flames.
I think I’m in despair
The wind is in the trees
Basically, just waiting for something to come along and eat me
Is this future’s gate?
Where my dreams retreat?
And all my memories are just memories of memories?
And a-folded in a dream
Pitch-black and glowing blue
A raven saying, ‘I know a way that I can help you’
Oh-oh, I stared into his eyes
I saw my pale last days
Said, ‘What you can’t escape, you gotta embrace.’
Ah-oh, I know a way to get back
This don’t have to end
A way to get back
And haunt them. Haunt them. Haunt them
Then he wished me plain
As he flew away
Said I’d see him coming on that pale last day
And he wished me plain
Ordinary death
Said he’d be back after I escaped it
oh
I’ve seen how they are
How they’d all sell their souls
In little bits and pieces, til they get old
They don’t make a dent
In indifference
We’ll haunt them. Haunt them. Haunt them
But I want to go back
If this is the end
I want to go back
Not to ‘haunt them, haunt them, haunt them.’
Not to haunt them, haunt them
Not to haunt them, haunt, haunt
Haunt them, haunt them
Gordon Downie, if you haven’t listen to his solo album “Secret Path” you need to. Especially if you listen to it along with the accompanying graphic novel. It is nothing short of heart breaking and wonderful.
Solitary Refinement Chapter 11
Dear Joshua October 16th 2017
Hey I wanted to say something. Liz isn’t a bitch. I think that when I wrote you yesterday I was just venting because I was upset about Nina’s present I worked so hard to get for her get literally kicked to the curb. I still am upset but the things I said weren’t fair to say, especially about my own wife whom I love. She’s mad at me right now and I need to respect that, I’m the idiot that won’t stop poking my fingers into a situation she’s made pretty clear she wants me to stay out of for now. I guess I need to just not do anything for a while and let her come to me. I don’t know anymore it’s just so hard to not even try to do something for even the kids, especially with birthdays.
If you can think of any possible way I might be able to get through to her I’m all ears dude. It might seem crazy to you but I still miss her like you wouldn’t believe. Waking up next to her tomorrow morning would quite literally be a dream come true, especially considering that instead I’ll be waking up in a bunk bed above Kal. Right now I’m really hurt by her but this is all my fault anyways for being so stupid and naive I can’t really be mad at her.
I put her in this situation. Me, nobody else. One hundred percent my fault.
I hope she responds in the next few months. It’s just so hard to try and bridge the gap when I can’t even talk to her on the phone, just letters she can throw in the trash if she wants to. If I can’t get her to respond to me for my whole sentence I still know I’ll be able to get her to come around once I’m out, I always could even after years of me doing stupid crap that made her upset with me. I just need to be there in person than I know I can fix this. Come to think of it it seems like most of the time me ‘fixing’ it in the past wasn’t when I stopped doing what made her mad in the first place, like leaving the toilet seat up or inviting over guests without giving her a heads up. It was always when I’d take her out to a fancy restaurant and she could get dolled up. Or if I bought her a new outfit or paid for her to go to the spa with her friends. It was always that sort of thing that’d make her happy with me again. Didn’t matter that I’d have to do twelves for a week to pay for whatever I gave her, that’s what she wanted. What can you do right? That’s the queen I married and she wants to be treated like royalty, and I love her so I do. Just wasn’t enough sometimes.
Now I’m tired because I can’t sleep for fear of Kal. What I wouldn’t give to be tired because I had worked long hours to do something that made my lovely wife happy with her dummy of a husband again. Seriously I’ll listen to any idea you have at all no matter how crazy or far fetched it sounds, I’m so desperate to hear from her you have no idea.
Solitary Refinement Chapter 10
Dear Joshua
October 15th 2017
What!? Are you serious?! Out on the curb with a free sign? Oh man that made me so upset I had to wait a few days to even reply to your letter. So I went to all the trouble to do extra work around here, often doing Trevor’s share too to get you that money. Then you wasted your own damn time picking that stupid trike up from whoever was selling it and dropped it off at my place. Liz knew exactly why it was there and still put it out on the curb. Did I ever tell you that I’m still giving Trevor my desserts as payment for that favour? I hope that little Nina didn’t see it and understand that it was meant for her before it got left out in the rain. I can see it all too clear in my head.
First she would see it and her eyes would light up, then she would start jumping up and down and giggling and screaming,
“Fir me fir me! Birfday Birfday yayyy!”
Then her brother would probably get her shoes and helmet while she was busy doing her happy dance so she could try it out right away. Then once she realized it was being taken away her mood would go back down, more slowly than it rose. Her grin would shift and tremble and then get stuck upside down. Her eyes would fill with tears as she tried to hold them back and then she wouldn’t be able to any longer and she’d just wail and wail and wail. Man I really hope that’s not how it went down.
What would she have said to poor little Nina?
“Sorry this isn’t for you?”
“This is here by mistake?”
“This is here from Daddy but you can’t have it?”
“Daddy is a bad guy and we don’t take things from bad guys?”
I just don’t get it man, it’s a birthday present for a child who has nothing to do with any of this. I hope Nina gets to have a fun party, she might not I was usually the one to plan all that and invite all her friends. This blows it’s not fair to anybody what does Liz think she’s gaining or doing by hurting her own daughter like this? It’s just so vindictive and bitchy. Freaking unbelievable.
Thanks anyways for doing all that work to get it to her, it must have been a pretty big inconvenience. Ugh this is so damn awful I can’t even think right now. I’ll try to think of something else for their Christmas presents once I’m not so upset. Her third birthday and I had one chance to do something special for her so she knows I’m still thinking of her and I blew it. What was I thinking if she’s not letting me see them why did I think she’d let them receive stuff from me. I guess I hoped she’d put the kids first.
Balsa Wood
If I could remake you
Out of balsa wood
Would I?
You’d be lighter
Yet strong,
Easily take flight.
The wind would push
Against your wings
And caress your face.
Ascension, descension,
Thrown by the carelessness
Of the air and the sky.
Letting every splinter
Alter your course,
Dancing on the map.
Would you even return,
Fight the current
To come back to me.
I see you in the flesh
And swear
You’re something better
Could I set you free?
Free of the land
And free of me.
Knots and imperfections
Same as now,
But you would fly.
You belong
High above me,
A distant speck.
I can’t make this choice
I’m selfish in my love,
What say You?
Wind filled wingspan?
Or me, simply me,
Pink tongue, white teeth.
I’ll be yours
To hold and kiss,
To wriggle against.
I know it’s a poor choice.
I’ve always ruffled
One too many feathers.
So which is it?
The clouds,
Cotton and dewy.
Or me, simply me
I’ll hold you close
And love you tenderly.
If you wish
I’ll remake you
Out of balsa wood
But know that if
The gale proves too much,
You may return to me
I’d make you safe again
Peeling back every ring
Of that lovely balsa wood.
– Vagabond Prophet
Vagabond Prophet 