Solitary Refinement Chapter 17

Dear Joshua                                       December 20th 2017

Okay that makes sense that you think I should tell a guard or warden about the threatening note on my pillow and the fact I was assaulted. Except that a guard purposely turned his back on the incident and he’s not the only guard that is chummy with Trevor so I have no idea if I can trust any of them. So if I go make a report to a guard this could get a whole lot worse really fast. Try again, thanks though. Ugh I need to think about something else.   

Are you enjoying the snow this year? Usually I love it, sliding around in the car and sledding with the kids and having snowball fights. So much fun, totally worth freezing my hands off working outside. This year all I can think of is how I’m not going to be with my family at Christmas. They’ll hang stockings and have a tree by now, lights will be all over the place and all the pillows in the house will have red and green covers now. Here nothing really changes, it’s just colder than usual that’s all. Once in awhile I see a guard yell, “ho ho ho!” before smacking an inmate with his baton for stepping out of line. Not exactly what I picture when I think of Christmas.

    Trevor has had me doing some things I really don’t like but I don’t really feel like I have a choice. Yesterday he told me he wanted some packets of peanut butter from the kitchen right before I went to my cooking class. I guess it’s not a big deal it’s just peanut butter but I just am so worried about anything he asks me to do now, I don’t know what he’s up to. All I do know is I don’t want to be on his bad side.

    Have you ever been in a situation as tight as this before? Where your stuck between two evils trying to appease both and not even sure which one is worse? I barely sleep at all now I’m so freaking stressed. Most of the time my eyes are bloodshot and I’m all sweaty. Trevor asks me what’s wrong and I tell him nothing. I feel so alone, so lost at sea surrounded by circling sharks. Kal is still giggling in his sleep and staring at me whenever I’m not around people. He licks his lips a lot, they’re cracked and bleeding now but he doesn’t seem to care. Sometimes he leaves me notes on my pillow that just say, “sleep tight.” What the hell am I supposed to do with that? How can I ignore that giggle, and that stare with his weird glasses and his great big bleeding grin?

    He still hasn’t touched me or hit me or even spoken to me, I think that’s because of my relationship with Trevor but I just don’t know if he’ll soon have me doing more than stealing peanut butter. Peanut butter seems like such a random thing, what could he need it for and why from me? He’s friends with kitchen staff why not just ask them. Maybe it’s better if I don’t ask those kinds of questions it’s not like I actually have a choice in whether or not I listen to what he asks of me.

    Also I did read that suggestion of yours in your last letter and no dude just no. I can’t divorce Liz I don’t even know why you would ask that! What the hell is wrong with you? Yes I’m upset that I don’t get to see my kids and that she won’t communicate with me at all but she’s upset because of the situation I put us in. I can’t do that to her or Alister or Nina, and I don’t want to do that to myself. Damn it dude she’s my wife and I love her! What explanation do I need past that?! Vow’s, I made vow’s doesn’t that matter? I know what you’re going to say and no she wouldn’t cheat on me just because I’m gone, she rarely had sex with me so why would she go seeking it out with some random person. Screw you man.