Solitary Refinement Chapter 26

Dear Joshua April 15th 2018

I hear what you’re saying and I appreciate that you’re concerned about my safety and that you want to help me take care of the other things dear to my heart. I really do. I just can’t do that though, I can’t talk to anybody about Kal or Trevor and if I know Liz at all if I trouble her with legal garbage than any chance I have of mending things is gone for sure. I just have to hope that at some point the last drop of water will flow under the bridge and she will miss me enough to come by with the kids. With Kal and Trevor though that’s a whole different animal. Let me put this plainly, if I complain that Trevor has threatened me and that I feel threatened by Kal I may be killed. Trevor has friends in high places so I can’t really trust any of the authorities I may complain to, and even if I complain about Kal I don’t want to have that conversation with Trevor when he says something like, “So I heard you don’t think I can keep you safe, well let’s see how who you do on your own.” It’s just, it’s all bad. Thanks for trying to help but this is one of those things that rests squarely on my shoulders.

Yesterday I accidentally broke the tip off of a knife in my cooking class when I was trying to filet a fish and I bent the blade too far trying to get between the skin and the meat. The teacher told me to put the knife in the garbage and get another. I nodded, and pocketed it.

Joshua, please understand me. That was the most terrifying moment of my existence. Not proposing to Liz worried she would say no, not the complicated births of our children, not all the times I had to skulk back home and tell her I was out of work again. This was even more terrifying than that time we were hiking and I slipped on some gravel and almost tumbled down a cliffside, or the time I was driving my car and got hit by a snow plow.

It was a simple enough thing to do that I’m sure nobody noticed, but it was like in that moment I made the decision that I will kill somebody if I think I need to. Like I’m a murderer at heart just waiting for a life to take and nobody else knows it yet. Having finally passed that check mark of morality, that under the right circumstances I’ve decided I will stab somebody to death, I really didn’t feel good about myself in that moment but I also felt like I kind of had to. I also felt a strange sense of power that I wasn’t entirely comfortable with. The means and resolve to kill is not something that sits well with me but I need to get back to my family one day and that means I need to survive prison. I tried to stay under the radar, I tried not to make enemies but I have them anyways.

I didn’t worry about Kal sleeping beneath me as much last night while I lay there with my white knuckled grip on the knives plastic grip. I actually slept a bit myself. My God did I need that. You don’t have kids so I can’t compare my exhaustion to you with even that. When your tired taking care of kids it’s a happy kind of tired. Yeah your sweaty and dirty from playing with them at the park and cleaning up after them in every imaginable way, but it’s your children and you’d do anything for them. The weariness that comes with fearing for your life is so completely different, always checking over your shoulder. Every time I’m standing outside and I feel the wind on my neck I’m filled with dread that I’ll turn around to see Kal pushing me down to do something horrible. Relentless panic is a horrible thing and I hope you never experience it. Maybe animals really can smell fear.

Do you think anybody else here feels the way I do?

Solitary Refinement Chapter 25

Dear Joshua April 3rd 2018

Hey Josh, I think I’m ready to talk to you again I just need to set something straight. Don’t talk bad about my wife. I get it, you see your friend being treated badly by his own wife and you want to say something about it and from your position I can see how you can see it’s not a ridiculous thing to wonder about. I just, I know she wouldn’t do that. If I let my mind wander that way I know that I’ll go crazy. I can’t take it to lose the hope of having my family back again one day.

So I got confirmation that I’m definitely not overreacting by being freaked out by Kal, just the other day I saw one of the guards that I hadn’t seen in a long time tell me he’d be worried if he was me. He said Kal’s cellmates never last this long and that Kal must be getting frustrated, said to be careful and watch my back. It seems as though the guards can’t do anything about behaviour like Kal’s though, until he actually does something to me and I make an official complaint they can’t move me or him or anything like that. How wonderful it is to have my fears confirmed and then be told that there is no solution available to me. I’m so freaking done, every morning I look in the mirror and I see a frightened pair of eyes in a weary body.

When I’m not working in the kitchen I’ve been in the library here, I just realized they had one recently. I used to like reading as a kid but as an adult after work and playing with the kids I always felt too tired to read and would fall asleep shortly after ever picking a book up. Now since I can barely sleep anyways I am actually able to read again. They have a few poetry books that I am enjoying, reading over and over as much as I can in the few minutes I have to spare. I love novels, but poetry is different. I’m learning lots of new words from them that I have to look up in the dictionary. It’s just so interesting that the pain and suffering of these poets chose to manifest itself in such beautiful ways. It helps me feel even though I’m going through this terrible season in my life, it can maybe just maybe mean something to somebody.

Solitary Refinement Chapter 24

Dear Diary March 27th 2018

I really noticed my eyes today, I think for maybe the first time ever, or at least since I got in here. Bloodshot, wide gaze, icy blue with not enough pupil. I always liked my eyes, I thought they made me look good, girls like blue eyes right? I saw more than that though, I saw deeper, I saw fear and a panic just barely undercover.

I remember when I was a kid and I’d go for walks through the forest there was this cave my dad always told me to stay away from. It had a wide mouth but you could see the path quickly narrowed, and after a bend it turned pitch black. I never went into it, always curious, but for the warnings I never satisfied that curiosity. My dad never told me what was in there, I asked him he must not have known either. He would always just say some basic dad advice about how you don’t go into the dark unprepared.

Even once I was an adult I never went in there, it’s fostered in me a fear of the dark and what beasts there lurk. Even well into my teens I had nightmares of something coming out of the cave at night, all I could ever see was long claws and glowing eyes. I always hid and it always knew where to find me. I would be snatched by a grip so strong it was like iron, and as I screamed it would pull me turn after turn into the cave. I always woke up screaming and right at the point where the blackness was becoming complete. That was the worst part, that even in my dreams I couldn’t find out what was in there, I just knew that it meant me harm and I couldn’t escape it. Just a vicious blackness, a hungry chasm, a sinister darkness. Something to be feared for sure but having no name for it made it worse I found.

In the mirror this morning I saw the entrance to that cave in my eyes. The thin bloodshot veins leading to the pupil like the roots of trees that stopped before that hellish corridor. No wonder I’ve been afraid lately, I’ve got fear itself living right inside my head. How fitting that it should find a way to colour everything I look at with its hazy hue and awful whispers in my ear. Even when I’ve been so far removed from that forest, all the worst things come with you into prison.

I think it was one of the presidents that said something like, “There is nothing to fear except fear itself.” Okay, wise words to be sure. Not exactly comforting if you see fear itself in the mirror though. I don’t think I’ll be able to forget the cave now that I’ve seen it. What option now but to live in fear? Or go boldly and explore the cave with torches and pitchforks. Only if the entrance to the cave is inside myself, is the beast then also?

Solitary Refinement Chapter 23

vagabondprophet:

Dearest Elizabeth March 20th 2018

I love you. I’ve been wanting to say that again for a while. I couldn’t wait any longer to write you, I tried. I just couldn’t do it. I needed to say it, but to be honest it’s never been as nerve wracking or scary to say that. For the first time in years I was worried that you might not actually feel that way about me anymore. In three short months I will have been here for a full year and I haven’t heard a single word from you, all I’ve gotten from you is my own parcels returned back to me.

Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? Do you remember right after we had started dating I had just got that lousy car? The one that was way louder than it should have been and had a key broken off in the drivers door so I always had to unlock your side first? I wanted to see what the gas gauge looked like when it actually went empty because it’s different in every car, sometimes above the red line sometimes below it remember like I told you? That one day I was driving you to work and I finally ran out of gas and I had forgotten to put some back up gas in the jerry can and you were late by thirty minutes.

I feel something like that car must have felt, like you’re just waiting to see how much of this torture I can take before I finally give up and die. I just want to hear from you. Could you do that, I need to know if you’re safe and alive and happy with the kids. It must be hard with the kids alone, but I promise you there’s no way it’s as bad as being alone without them. I am beyond confusion, like I understood that you would be mad at me that I wound up in prison because of my stupidity but that was nine months ago. No change in heart or missing waking up to me? Just tell me something simple, like how it’s a drag to have to take the garbage out yourself or something like that, I know you hated that. Or how you have to figure out how to make coffee for yourself. Just talk to me for goodness sake, I really need it, I need something to look forward to. If I knew I might be receiving letters from you it would make waking up above my awful cellmate a little less awful. I love you, but I’m kind of losing hope here. Don’t you want your children to speak to their father? I just don’t get it, help me understand.

Sincerely,

Your Husband.

A.N. This isn’t going to go on a whole lot longer. I hope people are enjoying it. Reviews would be lovely.

Solitary Refinement Chapter 23

vagabondprophet:

Dearest Elizabeth March 20th 2018

I love you. I’ve been wanting to say that again for a while. I couldn’t wait any longer to write you, I tried. I just couldn’t do it. I needed to say it, but to be honest it’s never been as nerve wracking or scary to say that. For the first time in years I was worried that you might not actually feel that way about me anymore. In three short months I will have been here for a full year and I haven’t heard a single word from you, all I’ve gotten from you is my own parcels returned back to me.

Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? Do you remember right after we had started dating I had just got that lousy car? The one that was way louder than it should have been and had a key broken off in the drivers door so I always had to unlock your side first? I wanted to see what the gas gauge looked like when it actually went empty because it’s different in every car, sometimes above the red line sometimes below it remember like I told you? That one day I was driving you to work and I finally ran out of gas and I had forgotten to put some back up gas in the jerry can and you were late by thirty minutes.

I feel something like that car must have felt, like you’re just waiting to see how much of this torture I can take before I finally give up and die. I just want to hear from you. Could you do that, I need to know if you’re safe and alive and happy with the kids. It must be hard with the kids alone, but I promise you there’s no way it’s as bad as being alone without them. I am beyond confusion, like I understood that you would be mad at me that I wound up in prison because of my stupidity but that was nine months ago. No change in heart or missing waking up to me? Just tell me something simple, like how it’s a drag to have to take the garbage out yourself or something like that, I know you hated that. Or how you have to figure out how to make coffee for yourself. Just talk to me for goodness sake, I really need it, I need something to look forward to. If I knew I might be receiving letters from you it would make waking up above my awful cellmate a little less awful. I love you, but I’m kind of losing hope here. Don’t you want your children to speak to their father? I just don’t get it, help me understand.

Sincerely,

Your Husband.

A.N. This isn’t going to go on a whole lot longer. I hope people are enjoying it. Reviews would be lovely.

Solitary Refinement Chapter 22

vagabondprophet:

Dear Diary March 15th 2018

I need to talk to somebody. I’m going to lose my mind soon, maybe I should start talking to Joshua again soon, maybe I should write Liz again. Writing Liz took so much out of me the last time I wrote her, pouring out all my emotions knowing with certainty I will not get a reply. Josh, I was so mad at Josh for suggesting that Liz might not be faithful to me. I’m trying to look at this from his perspective, seeing a wife that won’t talk to her husband, won’t let her kids do the same, and won’t talk to her husband’s friends either. If I really focus on that I guess thinking there’s more going on than I can see isn’t exactly ridiculous, but what does that help? I love her and I believe she loves me and would remain faithful. If I let myself think otherwise I think I would totally lose hope. It’s hard to keep hoping, but I still look forward to getting out of here and going to see her even if she is furious and she hasn’t talked to me in a long time. Just that face, with it’s smooth skin and sharp lines and dark eyes, it’s still the one I see when I close my eyes and try to ignore where I am. I can almost forget I’m in a bunk bed above Kal when I focus on her, just the image of her doing something normal like cracking eggs into a pan. Sometimes I think of her wearing my baggy t-shirts while making pancakes on a Saturday morning. Everytime it manages to sneak a ray of joy and hope into my day no matter how bleak it has been. I hope it doesn’t get taken from me as contraband.

Did Joshua have a reason for thinking that about her? Maybe I should ask him. Not talking to anybody on the outside is worse than getting bad news from people on the outside I’m finding. When I think of how being ignored like this makes me feel I fall into a vivid daydream. I’m in the dark in a mountain valley, before the light withers I see tall mountains crowded tightly and high above me. After night falls and before I try to sleep I shout so I can hear the echo of my voice off of the mountains so I can feel like I’m not alone. No echo comes, nothing at all. My voice just disappears as soon as it leaves my lips, falling dead to the ground like a flower gone dry and tossed by a wicked wind. It wasn’t quite like I was mute, I could hear the sounds come out of my mouth, but they just never mattered and never got far. As if they were sterile, unable to father meaningful sound and just remaining mindless noise. Where did the hills go? What killed my voice? Questions, all I have is questions, even in my daydreams.

Solitary Refinement Chapter 23

Dearest Elizabeth March 20th 2018

I love you. I’ve been wanting to say that again for a while. I couldn’t wait any longer to write you, I tried. I just couldn’t do it. I needed to say it, but to be honest it’s never been as nerve wracking or scary to say that. For the first time in years I was worried that you might not actually feel that way about me anymore. In three short months I will have been here for a full year and I haven’t heard a single word from you, all I’ve gotten from you is my own parcels returned back to me.

Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? Do you remember right after we had started dating I had just got that lousy car? The one that was way louder than it should have been and had a key broken off in the drivers door so I always had to unlock your side first? I wanted to see what the gas gauge looked like when it actually went empty because it’s different in every car, sometimes above the red line sometimes below it remember like I told you? That one day I was driving you to work and I finally ran out of gas and I had forgotten to put some back up gas in the jerry can and you were late by thirty minutes.

I feel something like that car must have felt, like you’re just waiting to see how much of this torture I can take before I finally give up and die. I just want to hear from you. Could you do that, I need to know if you’re safe and alive and happy with the kids. It must be hard with the kids alone, but I promise you there’s no way it’s as bad as being alone without them. I am beyond confusion, like I understood that you would be mad at me that I wound up in prison because of my stupidity but that was nine months ago. No change in heart or missing waking up to me? Just tell me something simple, like how it’s a drag to have to take the garbage out yourself or something like that, I know you hated that. Or how you have to figure out how to make coffee for yourself. Just talk to me for goodness sake, I really need it, I need something to look forward to. If I knew I might be receiving letters from you it would make waking up above my awful cellmate a little less awful. I love you, but I’m kind of losing hope here. Don’t you want your children to speak to their father? I just don’t get it, help me understand.

Sincerely,

Your Husband.

A.N. This isn’t going to go on a whole lot longer. I hope people are enjoying it. Reviews would be lovely.

Prologue: Part Two

lillypads-starrynights:

Seraphine curled her fingers around the cell bar that separated her from Luke. They had placed him in a dimly lit corner in the far right of the cell. You could barely tell that it was Luke with the way his ashy skin camouflaged into the darkness. She stepped back and with another wave of her hand she unfroze him. Luke, who was in mid-lunge, stumbled with all of his force and heaviness towards the front of the cell. “What the fuck?” He whispered to himself. He took a moment to scan the room he was in, touching the stone walls that were like ice. The ground under him was sterile concrete and ached at his soles. His eyes narrowed in confusion until they finally met with Seraphine’s just outside the steel bars. It was at that moment where he realized where he was. Her pursed his lips, chuckling softly and slowly. “So…you locked me up, Seraphine?” He took long strides until he was right up against the bars. “Are you scared of me?” He snarled, pushing his face against the bars. His pupils trembled as he awaited her response. “Answer me, Seraphine! Are…you scared of me?” He yelled this time, gripping on to the bars tighter. “I’m not scared of you, Luke. I’m scared for you. You’re a monster…” He ceased the rattling of the bars and stuck to her gaze once again. He was entranced by how beautiful she was. The simplicity of her beauty seemed to normalize him. “I’m scared too, Sera. Please let me go. Let me fix this. I want us to be a family.” Seraphine closed her eyes and caressed the bars where his hands once were. Under her tears she crafted a smile, a genuine smile. “Ah, see that smile. I know that this can work. I know that we will be okay.” She looked at him and her smile softened. “Luke, unfortunately…we can’t.” Her fingers still tucked between the bars, Luke grabbed hold of the bars with Seraphine’s fingers underneath his palms. “That is bullshit, Sera!” He tightened his hold and her fingers pained under the pressure of his hands. “Let me go Sera! Let me go! Get me the fuck out of here. Seraphine!” She forcefully pulled away from his grasp. She turned her back to him while shaking her head. She felt defeated and completely lost. She was scared. “And that is exactly why you are wrong, Luke.” She sighed deeply and began to walk away.

He rattled the cell bars with full force. His body shook and his was was rough. “You can’t leave me here! You cannot walk away from me, Seraphine. That is MY child too. Sera, I will not allow you to raise my child with knowing who I am. You won’t get away with this!” He screamed through the bars and he echoed through the halls of the dungeon. Seraphine stopped for a moment, took a single, deep breath, and turned her head to see Luke. “I will not keep your child from you, Luke. I will let them decide how they perceive you. I hope that our child loves you as I do.” A slow minute of silence passed before she walked out of the dungeon. The slow clanking of her heels down the store hallway was all that was heard. With with step further away Luke cringed and twitched. When he could no longer hear her footsteps he fell to the ground and crawled to the far corner once again. He clawed at the floor around him, rocking from side to side. The shadows hid him from sight. Luke began to cry as he realized his fate. He was a prisoner and this was his new eternal home.

Seraphine called a council and the elders, including her father, gathered in the main sanctuary. “What is it my child?” her father asked. “What urgency brings us all here?” She stood before them, hands firm on her waist.” My recent…developments have led me to a rather un-desriable decision. While it may not be ideal in the beginning, it is the best for everyone. Our people and the humans.” Seraphine paced around the circular room. “We must…no we will no longer purse the humans as more than friends. Nothing more. From this day forth the romantic entanglement between our kind and the humans shall be forbidden.” The room was overwhelmed with gasps, awes, and questions. The look of confusion spread throughout the entire room. “Please draft this new order as quickly as possible and enforce it immediately. That is all everyone. Thank you.” Her father stood up from his seat and fortified her command with a single, yet stern nod. “Dismissed.” Seraphine spoke softly and her father placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezing her gently. “What will we do with Luke?” She rested her hands on top of her fathers, fighting back more tears. She didn’t want to cry anymore. At least not today. “He stays there. He sees his child when I allow it and under no circumstance is anyone else to go down there.” Her father only shook his head in agreement and kissed her on the forehead before leaving the sanctuary. The doors closed behind him and Seraphine was alone.

She walked around, studying the walls that were decorated with lush greens and beautiful ancient glyphs. She was entranced by the marble floors in the center of the garden where her and Luke first kissed. She sat at it’s center and let out one last and hopefully single sob.

Next part people. Read it do it it’s good. @delightfulharmonypoetry

Prologue: Part One

lillypads-starrynights:

“Luke…wh-what happened to you?” Her voice was shaky and as she hugged her stomach her body trembled. “You did it…didn’t you?” Her eyes welled up. She already knew the answer. Luke had fallen victim to his temptation and her heart broke for him. “Why Luke? Why? You stupid, stupid man! You knew what could happen to you!” She let out a shattering cry for her greatest fear had came true.

Quickened to anger, he snarled in response. “I did it for you! For us Seraphine!” He slowly walked towards her with arm stretched out. “Now we can be together forever…eternity. Just like we talked about, just like we wanted!” His gaze locked onto Seraphine, but she saw nothing more than an empty man. That wasn’t Luke anymore. With once arm extended, the other silently shook as he ran his fingertips against the soft curves of her face. She held his gaze for but a single moment before turning her cheek into his palm. “Luke…this isn’t right. I told you. I mean, look at yourself! You…you-” He lifted her chin just slightly “Seraphine, my love. I can live forever. There is nothing wrong. How could you possibly think there is something wrong with this?” His grip on her tightened and she could barely move her face. “Luke you are not you.” It was difficult to speak as his fingers started to dig into her skin. Under short breaths she tried to shake him away. “You’re hurting me. Luke, let…me…go. Let me…go…Please. Luke.” She pleaded. “We can fix this.” “There is nothing to fix!” He hissed and released his grasp on her. Seraphine stumbled back, her pale green eyes danced underneath pools of tears. She stared at him as he made his way back towards her. His bare feet crossed over silently and her mumbled inaudibly to himself. Seraphine tucked back the loose strands of her golden hair that waved against the winds of her scared breaths. Luke parted his lips and let a single huff of desperation for attention fall. “Seraphine…”

“I’m pregnant Luke.” In and instant those words rang in his ears, like loud bells of a chapel. He was stuck in place. Stuck in a loop of those words. Seraphine gathered herself with a heavy but defeated sigh. She placed her arm around her waist, gently rubbing her stomach. “I found out last night.” She looked down and smiled, but the corners of her lips were tainted with dread. “We…are having a child?” Those words fell dryly off of his lips. He was anchored by the news, but couldn’t hold back half a smile followed by a happy chuckle. “I’m going to be a father. This is amazing. Seraphine…” The heaviness lifted and he immediately quickened his steps towards her. He embraced Seraphine and pressed his lips against her forehead. “Oh this is really something…it’s amazing!” Seraphine hummed and her arms hung at her sides. She closed her eyes, afraid to make eye contact. She could feel his power. it warmed her like a fire on a late December’s night. His dark energy coursed through him and she felt it pounding against her chest. A single tear fell from her eye and she took a few small steps away from Luke. With a gentle push to his chest she was suddenly a few feet away. “It can’t be like this. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I didn’t want it to be this way, Luke.” Seraphine hung her her head, strands of her hair that were perfectly placed fell once again and covered her eyes. “What are you talking about Seraphine?” Luke was puzzled and stared at the distance between them. “We are going to have a family…”

A few moments of silence passed. The air was thick. Finally Seraphine lifted her head, her lips trembling. “You are a monster. I can feel it…” She placed her hand over her heart. Her voice cracking under tears she was holding back. “I can feel you Luke. I feel…whatever darkness that is surging through you. That energy…that dark energy. It’s not who I fell in love with and it surely is not who I want to or can raise a child with.” She cocked her head to the right and let it hang just above her shoulder. “I’m sorry Luke…” Her words trailed off and played over and over in his head.

“You’re a monster.” That stung. The words pranced around in his mind, growing louder with every repetition. “You’re a monster.”

“A monster?” Luke tightened his lips, clenching his jaw as he clinched his fists at his sides. When he raised his head his once beautiful, sterling gray eyes muddied into black. He watched as his skin went from a frosty white to a dark gray. It was as if he walked through the ruins and ash of Pompeii. “I’ll show you a monster. “

He lunged towards her like a feral creature, mumbling curses under his breath. Standing stoically Seraphine waved her hand in front of Luke, freezing him in place. She stood silently before him. Was this all just a vivid, bad dream? Was this actually happening? It was at that moment where she realized that she had lost her true love. Seraphine looked into the onyx eyes of her beloved, but she saw nothing. Nothing good at least. She saw a broken reflection of herself and the love that they shared. Little by little the tears rolled down her cheeks. Her sniffles and stiffened breaths were a weak attempt to delay the inevitable. The longer she stood in front of him the less strength she had. her knees weakened and she sudden found herself on the cold travertine floor, sobbing at Luke’s feet. She slammed her hands on the ground and cursed it.

“Why? Why? Why?” Her sobs turned into a woeful wail, her tears trickling down the smooth edges of her face and onto the ground. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I am so sorry Luke.” Through her sobs she called for her guards to take Luke to the dungeon. That call hurt her more than he would ever know. The guards rushed to Seraphine. No questions asked they took Luke’s frozen body and made way to the lower level cells. One of the guards held Seraphine at her shoulders and helped her up. She nodded in respect. “Please take me to where you will be putting him.” The guard nodded and motion for her to follow him…

-s.c

Great story everybody, read it. Don’t ask questions just do it. @delightfulharmonypoetry

Solitary Refinement Chapter 22

vagabondprophet:

Dear Diary March 15th 2018

I need to talk to somebody. I’m going to lose my mind soon, maybe I should start talking to Joshua again soon, maybe I should write Liz again. Writing Liz took so much out of me the last time I wrote her, pouring out all my emotions knowing with certainty I will not get a reply. Josh, I was so mad at Josh for suggesting that Liz might not be faithful to me. I’m trying to look at this from his perspective, seeing a wife that won’t talk to her husband, won’t let her kids do the same, and won’t talk to her husband’s friends either. If I really focus on that I guess thinking there’s more going on than I can see isn’t exactly ridiculous, but what does that help? I love her and I believe she loves me and would remain faithful. If I let myself think otherwise I think I would totally lose hope. It’s hard to keep hoping, but I still look forward to getting out of here and going to see her even if she is furious and she hasn’t talked to me in a long time. Just that face, with it’s smooth skin and sharp lines and dark eyes, it’s still the one I see when I close my eyes and try to ignore where I am. I can almost forget I’m in a bunk bed above Kal when I focus on her, just the image of her doing something normal like cracking eggs into a pan. Sometimes I think of her wearing my baggy t-shirts while making pancakes on a Saturday morning. Everytime it manages to sneak a ray of joy and hope into my day no matter how bleak it has been. I hope it doesn’t get taken from me as contraband.

Did Joshua have a reason for thinking that about her? Maybe I should ask him. Not talking to anybody on the outside is worse than getting bad news from people on the outside I’m finding. When I think of how being ignored like this makes me feel I fall into a vivid daydream. I’m in the dark in a mountain valley, before the light withers I see tall mountains crowded tightly and high above me. After night falls and before I try to sleep I shout so I can hear the echo of my voice off of the mountains so I can feel like I’m not alone. No echo comes, nothing at all. My voice just disappears as soon as it leaves my lips, falling dead to the ground like a flower gone dry and tossed by a wicked wind. It wasn’t quite like I was mute, I could hear the sounds come out of my mouth, but they just never mattered and never got far. As if they were sterile, unable to father meaningful sound and just remaining mindless noise. Where did the hills go? What killed my voice? Questions, all I have is questions, even in my daydreams.