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Solitary Refinement Chapter 30

Dear Joshua and Elizabeth                                April 28th 2018

How long has this been going on? I wish I’d yelled all this at you this morning, I was just so blind with rage I couldn’t. You two are lucky I’m much more articulate on paper than in person. You going to tell me Josh? I can not believe this. This is so much worse than the idea that my cellmate might try to rape me tonight. Is that why you suggested I look into divorce? To pave the way for you keeping my side of the bed warm? You really are a bastard you know that. That you would take the opportunity of my wrongful imprisonment to seduce my wife. That is sick really sick. Then when you know I might be dying, instead of letting me die in ignorance you come here with my own wife to try to explain to me about why I should really sign the divorce papers. Couldn’t you have just let me die without dealing with all of this, you obviously don’t care about me at all.

I had been in such a glum mood, as if the weather outside was mirrored in my countenance. It was raining so hard outside and the wind was howling and I remember looking out the window into the storm thinking I’d still rather be out there if it was with my Liz. I was so looking forward to seeing who it was when a guard came and told me I had a visitor. It was still early, just after breakfast just earlier today. I didn’t know who, I thought maybe you Liz had received my last letter and had a change of heart and wanted to let me see your lovely face one last time before I went to deal with what you both know is coming for me. God damn it, it was the happiest I’d ever been in here. I stopped at the bathroom on the way over to try and arrange my hair the best I could, the way I know you like it Liz. Tried to wash away the sweat and wash my face hoping the bloodshot eyes would go away. I didn’t even care about the cave that time looking into the mirror, I would have marched in there alone with weapons brandished ready to laugh in the face of whatever I encountered.

She’s come to see me, finally. This will be okay it’ll take time but everything will work out. That’s what I was thinking on my way over.

Then I saw you both, together. It didn’t even register at first. Damn she’s beautiful I was thinking, wearing the red top and black skirt that I like, your hair down. You looked so good, I just wanted there to be no glass between us so I could touch your hand.

That was until I saw the two of you were holding hands.

That was until I saw you weren’t wearing your wedding ring.

That was until I saw the divorce papers and a shiny new pen sitting on the table ready to slide under the partition. You’d even marked the spots I needed to sign and initial. Well aren’t you thoughtful.

Were you jealous I’d landed myself such a hot wife Josh? Is that it you just had to have one more notch on your bedpost, sorry my bedpost?

Or was it you Liz? Were you so done and tired with me that you figured my incarceration was an easy out? Was I that awful? I know I’m not the smartest or best looking, didn’t make the most money but I loved you and I cared. That’s all I ever wanted from you, why wasn’t it enough for you, that you had to go to my best friend the moment opportunity presents itself? You know if you had just told me you wanted a divorce a long time ago I would have given it to you? It would have broken my heart like you wouldn’t believe, but I’d have done it. As long as I still get to see the kids, and I give you what you want most. That’s what I tried to do just about every damn day why wouldn’t I do it here? I just don’t get it. If you hate me or just don’t love me, that sucks but if you leave me what could I do about it really? This though, this is like intentional torture. Pernicious. Yeah that’s right pernicious. Liz you always wanted me to try and sound smarter, so I’ve been reading books and poetry in here. Hoping one day I could recite you something romantic. Improving my vocabulary so I could impress you with how smart I got. I did all that from inside prison so I could return to you better than when I came here, so you could finally be proud of me.

Yet there the two of you were, just waiting for me to sign. Wouldn’t even tell me where the kids were. Just that they’re “fine”, whatever the hell that means. Oh and that I’d be allowed to see them once I was finished serving my sentence.

Allowed!?

ALLOWED!!!!

Are you kidding me, do you honestly think you’ll be able to keep them from me? Right now I have two knives in my cell and I am prepared to kill people to ensure I get back to my family in one piece. You’re telling me that my children are the only pieces of that left. Everything else is just in my way. I have loved you both, and I have given all of myself to being a husband and father and friend. Father is all that’s left. Do you have any idea what is left of the man who first walked through these doors? In the last week my cellmate threatened and attempted to assault me. He is a sex criminal. Also the person I’d been counting on to protect me, the one who for some reason I don’t even know keeps Kal away from me, he won’t do it anymore. Wouldn’t really even say why, just won’t. I am completely on my own in here and now you tell me I am completely on my own out there too. With the exception of my babies of course. Go ahead tell Alister that I’m coming home, I don’t know how long it’ll take but I’ll get there. I think I may take a page out of Ziggy’s book and decide life on my own terms.

I’ve changed.

You’ll find I can be pernicious too.

A.N. I’d love to know what people are thinking of this story so far.

Thirty Two

vagabondprophet:

Thirty Two years old

And he’s really gone.

Body beautifully adorned

And underground.

What now life?

What will you do now?

Will you strike me down

Or make me endure this?

Future I can’t see

Evasive and ever changing,

The past never changes

But tortures every moment.

The present sharpens

And blunts me

In equal measure,

Useless for every task at hand.

How will I scrape

Out an existence,

If grief sands me down

To a featureless stone.

Blunt and sharp in equal measure,

Useless for every task at hand.

– Vagabond Prophet

True North

Like a ship graveyard

Where we sort through the rotten planks

To find the few good ones.

Together we may salvage

One seaworthy vessel

From the thousand capsized.

We all push off from shore

Without giving the land a last glance

We go past the breakers,

No map, just a promise.

A common faith

Of a country far away,

Something I’ve always known of.

It’s like the way the moon

Chases a Sun it’s never seen

Except for in dreams.

We all work the ropes

And steer the rudder

For the compass is etched

On all of our hearts.

– Vagabond Prophet

Solitary Refinement Chapter 1

vagabondprophet:

Dearest Elizabeth                   June 18 2017

I hope you and the children are well. I miss you guys so much it’s painful. I still cannot believe I’m in prison. Convict, inmate, incarcerated, prisoner, criminal. I never ever thought that these words could be used to describe me.

It all sounds so fruitless to tell you now but it’s just like I said in court. I had been laid off from my job, more workers than they could afford once some of the investors pulled out of the contract. I didn’t want to come home from work early to tell you I had to look for work again, not again.

It was raining that day so I took the bus. When I was at the bus stop I was talking to a guy about how he hasn’t seen me at this time of day before because I just got fired. He was a big guy, broad shoulders, shaved head. He told me he owned a business and was actually looking for able bodied men who take directions well.

“I can do it! I’m your man, let me see it’s Friday today so I’ll get you a resume and references and meet you on Monday? Does that work for you?” I said to him.

“ That won’t be necessary, I trust your word. If you tell me you’re solid I’ll believe you. Just don’t let me down.” He replied.

That bastard! He was so friendly, so kind. You always said I was too trusting of people and I should have listened to you. What was I thinking! Getting hired at a bus stop without any kind of interview or anything. I should have smelled the bull shit right away but I couldn’t, all I could think was how I wouldn’t have to tell you I’d lost my job.

I was so happy. I’d been saved. After one day “working” with this man I find myself slammed in jail, the court, and now here. All so fast.

Day one he just told me that we were just picking up some cash from somebody who owed him on the way to the work site. So we pulled up to the back of this building and he told me to wait by the door with a bag. I just stood there waiting, totally oblivious they were robbing the place until alarms started ringing and cops showed up to cuff me. The bag I was holding had a gun in it I didn’t know about, the other guys had bolted out a different exit.

Now I have to listen to the people here drone on and on about things I really can’t care about. They keep talking about programs that they offer here. Education, skills training, that sort of thing. So many guys here haven’t even finished high school. For me though it all sounds so pointless. They keep reminding us to take our programs seriously as they prepare us for rehabilitation into society. I know how to live in society! I was real good at it too. I had a job, I paid taxes, I got educated. I was a construction worker for goodness sake I was the damn poster boy for responsible citizen. Working hard to support a family, rain or shine. Exercise in the evenings, cycling to work to reduce my carbon footprint. All the stuff these programs are supposed to prepare me for. Now I’m stuck here for five long years.

I can’t even pretend to care about how any of that matters. Right now all I can think of is how today is Father’s Day and I’m in prison. I’m going to end this letter now and go to the visiting area in case you guys decide to surprise me with a visit. It’s the only thought that’s gotten me through the day.

Sincerely,

Your Husband

Maternity Ward

Maternity ward

Woman puking everything out

Except her guts,

Good thing, she’s going to need them.

Shrieks and wails and screams

From rooms 4011, 4023, and 4033.

Life so weighty it spills forth

One way or another.

Like a fisherman with too great a catch,

Little fish pouring over the gunnels.

Tiny little generals

Conquering hearts in an instant.

– Vagabond Prophet

No Reasoning


There’s no reasoning with demons

Fight or run,

Only options.

Can’t run from something inside you,

Exercise in damnation.

Like talking to a wolf,

Doesn’t look you in the eye

Or read your lips

Or even listen.

Just stares at your neck

That expanse of weakness,

Hunger incarnate.

– Vagabond Prophet

Tuber Lessons

Down underneath covered up

Spreading deeper and deeper

And always covered in filth.

This song is about potatoes.

They’ve known dirt

They’ve known darkness

And they’ve known their place.

Just above that

But with thoughts no higher

I spread and grow

Reaching out with fingers like roots

Soaking up all there is.

Maybe this song is about me.

I’ve known dirt

I’ve known darkness

Where is my place?

Further out on the same level

Roots everywhere intertwine

Fighting for water sources

Choking each other out.

Okay this song is about all of us.

We’ve known dirt

We’ve known darkness

Let’s learn from the spud

And learn our place.

– Vagabond Prophet

Need and Needles


Driving downtown seeing all kinds of people,

Walking everywhere in haphazard zigs and zags

Unshaven, unwashed, mind reeling from life.

Existing is a heavy weight

Sometimes too much to bare,

It wrinkles the straight creases in the mind

Making things appear that weren’t

Or taking away what you’d known.

It’s not just bums who chose this life,

It’s Ricky who’d been raped as a boy,

It’s Vicki who’s children

Don’t speak to her anymore.

When there’s this much need

And needles,

It’s everyone’s problem

And there’s no fencing it in.

– Vagabond Prophet