Solitary Refinement Chapter 5
Dear Joshua August 5th 2017
Hey sorry I haven’t written in a little while. I’ve kept pretty busy around here actually. So Liz told you to leave her alone? No running errands for your convict bestie? I can’t believe she said that. She’s more angry than I thought, I was really hoping she’d believe me that it’s not my fault I’m here it’s just a stupid mistake. Maybe she’s not even reading them, I wish that I knew she was even doing that. Well I guess you better listen to her, no need for me to piss her off further.
They have classes here to train you for different things so you can find a job once you get out. At first I thought it was stupid, I had a good job you know? Now I’m thinking, construction work isn’t always reliable, you get caught in between jobs sometimes and it’s stressful when that gap lengthens for any time at all. So I looked at the different programs and tried to see which one would be the most stable for my family once I’m out. I just want something that will make people happy. So I’m learning how to cook. Food and meeting with people over food makes people happy right?
I miss sharing nachos with you and the other guys at the pub. Remember the bartender with the lazy eye? Remember all the times we’d all flip him the bird and yell,
“How many fingers are we holding!?”
We were such idiots sometimes. Or the time we tried to see how fast we could light matches off the road while driving. Never got past 30 km/hr did we?
Anyways I was thinking that once I’m out I could maybe open up a restaurant or at least work at one. That’d be cool I think. Construction is hard on your body, out in the cold and rain all the time and it’s dangerous too. I don’t want Nina’s dad to get his back broken or skull cracked at work and not be able to dance with her anymore.
It’s funny, I always wanted to go to school to learn something different but never had the time or the money.
Funny right?
Tag: solitary refinement
Solitary Refinement Chapter 6
Dearest Elizabeth August 27th 2017
So I know that Alister is supposed to start his first year of school next week. Do you think you could bring him and Nina to visit me before that? I really want to talk to him about it and see what he thinks about school? Is he worried or excited? Do you know if any of his friends will be in his class? What’s his teacher’s name? There should be a list up at the school by now. Listen I know you’re mad at me and you don’t want to talk to me right now so I’ll keep this short.
Nina’s birthday is soon and I’m going to try and send her a gift if I can. It won’t be anything big but if I can do that just make sure you give it to her, don’t let her miss out on things because of my mistakes.
Do you remember the time that she pooped on me when I was sleeping? I wasn’t even mad I thought it was so funny. I remember you just said I shouldn’t have slept in, this wouldn’t have happened if I’d have just gotten up earlier. Why did you say that? I was really tired I had worked sixteen hours the day before and walked home in the rain. I remember feeling so guilty for sleeping in, like I was robbing my children of happiness by being asleep or something. It seems silly, I was tired so I was sleeping that’s what tired people do. That’s what we do with the kids when they’re tired.
Anyways I’m learning to cook better, maybe once I get out of here I can do some more cooking at home. I was getting tired of my same three recipes revolving around endlessly. Your cooking is so much better than mine but I understand that you’re tired sometimes too and I want to be able to contribute better than I have in the past.
If you don’t come visit before school starts could you put a picture of me or of all of us together in his backpack? I know he gets nervous with big groups of new people and it might help him, make him feel like we’re all there with him you know. In case you forget his favourite backpack was the one that was blue and red, not the plain blue one.
He told me that it made him feel like he was strong like Superman.
Sincerely,
Your Husband
Solitary Refinement Chapter 7
Dearest Elizabeth September 16th 2017
Alister is due for his six month dental check up and Nina hasn’t had her vision checked before so you should do that soon too. I remember her squinting at the TV when she was watching a movie a while ago.
Don’t forget.
Sincerely,
Your Husband
Solitary Refinement Chapter 8
Dear Joshua September 20th 2017
So I’ve been working a lot around here. There’s labour type of stuff to do all the time like raking leaves or mopping or washing dishes. They give you credit to trade for a handful of stuff they have on a list they pass around. I’m hoping to see if I can get something for Nina’s birthday and send it to her. I haven’t seen the list yet I don’t know what’s on it if there isn’t anything good on it maybe I can send you something worth the right amount and you could pick up the thing I have in mind and drop it off at the house? I know it’s asking a lot but I’m grasping at straws here man.
When I was working the other day raking leaves in the yard, I saw over my shoulder Kal sitting on a bench just staring at me. I don’t think he even blinked he was glaring at me so intently. We made eye contact and he wouldn’t break it. Luckily Trevor came over and started talking to me, Kal got up and left then kicking at the ground on his way. That dude really makes me worried.
Trevor knows some of the guards pretty well and has been introducing me to a few. The one I’ve interacted with the most is a guy named Mark. His shift is always changing but when he’s on nights he watches our cell block, does a walk up and down every half hour to make sure lights stay out after eleven PM. Mark is okay, he’s nicer to Trevor than he is to me but so are a lot of people. It seems like Trevor knows everybody he always gets extra dessert and at breakfast the cafeteria workers make sure he gets fresh coffee instead of old stuff. This Mark guy though, he’s really tall, like two full heads taller than Trevor and his curly dark hair makes him look like an asparagus. I want him to like me it just seems like he’s the kind of guy where his favour is earned or maybe even bought? I wonder what Trevor did to make him like him. I’ve been trying to figure out if people are just nice to him because he’s such a likeable dude or if it’s like respect or something.
I listen to him because Kal leaves me alone any time he’s around, I feel like he keeps me safe and so ya I’m loyal, so a few times I’ve raked his patch of leaves while he sat down and smoked. He hasn’t asked me to do anything bad, nothing that would get me in trouble. You don’t have to worry about anything like that.
The stuff I find myself missing here isn’t what I expected I would. I expected to miss the kids and Liz and I do, but it’s the other stuff that I’m surprised by. Stuff like music and colour. Sometimes I find myself lost in this day dream staring into my tray of food in the cafeteria, where everything’s the same colour and I sit in a monochrome prison. The only flash of colour is the orange we all wear, like we’ve all been literally painted with the same brush by somebody who only sees what they want to see and what they want to see is wickedness. In this day dream I’m lost in an art museum and I couldn’t be happier. I used to hate getting lost almost as much as I hated art museums. A place where you have to be quiet and silently admire things you can’t touch and can only look at from a distance.
I preferred to walk in the forest where the art didn’t have to be transported there by trucks but is just what ought to be there, necessarily beautiful. When I used to walk in the woods I would be silent just as I would be in the museum but not because of rules, because taking it all in took all of me not just my eyesight. The crunch of leaves underneath my feet, the colours of the leaves and the sky, the sound of the birds, the smell of rushing water. It always gave me the feeling that everything that was beautiful there was experiencing me rather than the other way around. Like the beauty around me judged me and found me wanting, but still wanted me there.
If you’d have asked me back then if I wanted to go see a new art exhibit I’d have said no, I’d have told you I had the good fortune of waking up next to true beauty every morning.
This dream of the museum however is different altogether. As I wander through the halls I find a painting on my left a colour I don’t know the name of and it speaks without words and says,
“I make you hungry.”
I keep walking and find a sculpture on my right that says,
“This makes you happy, you’re experiencing joy now.”
I keep walking, aimlessly but happily towards whatever pleases my eye. An endless catalogue of dictated emotions felt with full force.
“You miss your grandfather.”
“You’re scared now and you want your mother.”
I love it, riding such a poignant roller coaster it’s exhilarating but it always ends the same way.
“Hey! Hey man!”
“What?” I come back to the real world a little disoriented .
“You okay?”
“Yeah fine, just tired.”
“Alright dude, you do that a lot.” And then Trevor goes back to his food while I resume my plate of mashed potatoes with pale gravy complete with bland pork and a dry salad. Then once I finish eating I get up and walk back to my cell or to do some work and I realize that all day I haven’t heard any music. It’s been months since I heard a sound designed to please the ear.
Sorry to ramble on there, if I talk about feelings or anything like that to people here they’ll think I’m weak or like they can walk all over me. So I spill it all into my letters to you, that’s not fair to put that all on you. I’ll try to find a journal around here somewhere to write all that stuff down in, like my day dreams and things like that. I’ll let you know once I see that list of stuff and if you can expect something from me soon to get to Nina for her birthday.
Solitary Refinement Chapter 9
Dear Joshua October 3rd 2017
Can you get here tomorrow? So I worked a lot and the most valuable thing I can get here with my credit is a carton of cigarettes. You likely can’t do much with that but here it’s a currency better than cash. Trevor says if I give it to him he can trade it to someone else for something he can give to Mark for a bit of cash. I can give you the cash tomorrow if you can visit me. I was able to take a peek at a newspaper and took a look at the classifieds.There is someone not far from you selling a shiny red tricycle. The cash should be enough, if you could pick that up for me and on the morning of the ninth leave it on my front step with a note that just says “Happy birthday Nina from Daddy,”
I’d really appreciate that man. Could you do that?
It really kills me that I haven’t been able to see the kids, I really wish Liz would bring them to see me. I know that I could probably get a lawyer or social worker in here to help me with visitation rights or something but I don’t want to stress Liz out she’s got her hands full with both kids I’m sure. Also if she’s mad at me and I want to have any chance of being on good terms with her again I better not bother her with lawyers and stuff like that. Man it’d probably stress me out too. I’ve got enough to worry about walking around here all the time worried about who’s around the next corner or in my blind spot.
It’s weird I used to worry about the blind spot in my car you know. Saying things like,
“next vehicle I buy I want it to have better visibility.” I never worried about my own blind spot, just me as a person and the area around me I can’t see. In here it seems like the scope of my own vision is just enough to let me know there’s a lot going on I don’t know about. As a result I’m not sleeping all that well. Not sleeping well really makes time pass in a strange way. I know how soon my next meal is but I can’t remember what day of the week it is. Kal still hasn’t said anything to me after these couple months I’ve already been here, but the deepening furrow in his brow tells me he’s getting mad. I think he’s frustrated that Trevor and some of the other guys are always around, Zach and even Mark sometimes. It seems like I’m not alone often when I’m not working or in my cooking program. I’m really glad for that, given Kal’s criminal history I think I can make an educated guess as to why he might want to catch me alone.
Anyways I really hope you can make it tomorrow I badly want to get this present to Nina, it’s kinda been the only goal I’ve had to work towards for a little while. If this goes well I’ll use my work credit to start saving for Christmas presents and then before long after that it’ll be Alister’s birthday in February. I think it helps for me to have something to strive for, makes me feel like it’s not totally pointless and hopeless being here. I’m hoping I can still be a father to these children of mine even if it’s in a pretty remote sense of the word.
Man I used to have such high standards for myself and where my family was headed. I’d work as long as I had to, as much overtime as we needed to get the kids into private school once they were of age for school. I was just about to open RESP’s for both of them so that they could have the opportunity for education when they’re older like I didn’t. Now I’m in prison, I don’t know what school my son has started in, and all I hope for is that they get my presents.
If you come tomorrow I promise I’ll buy all the drinks at the pub for the first year that I’m out. I swear that is the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.
Solitary Refinement Chapter 10
Dear Joshua
October 15th 2017
What!? Are you serious?! Out on the curb with a free sign? Oh man that made me so upset I had to wait a few days to even reply to your letter. So I went to all the trouble to do extra work around here, often doing Trevor’s share too to get you that money. Then you wasted your own damn time picking that stupid trike up from whoever was selling it and dropped it off at my place. Liz knew exactly why it was there and still put it out on the curb. Did I ever tell you that I’m still giving Trevor my desserts as payment for that favour? I hope that little Nina didn’t see it and understand that it was meant for her before it got left out in the rain. I can see it all too clear in my head.
First she would see it and her eyes would light up, then she would start jumping up and down and giggling and screaming,
“Fir me fir me! Birfday Birfday yayyy!”
Then her brother would probably get her shoes and helmet while she was busy doing her happy dance so she could try it out right away. Then once she realized it was being taken away her mood would go back down, more slowly than it rose. Her grin would shift and tremble and then get stuck upside down. Her eyes would fill with tears as she tried to hold them back and then she wouldn’t be able to any longer and she’d just wail and wail and wail. Man I really hope that’s not how it went down.
What would she have said to poor little Nina?
“Sorry this isn’t for you?”
“This is here by mistake?”
“This is here from Daddy but you can’t have it?”
“Daddy is a bad guy and we don’t take things from bad guys?”
I just don’t get it man, it’s a birthday present for a child who has nothing to do with any of this. I hope Nina gets to have a fun party, she might not I was usually the one to plan all that and invite all her friends. This blows it’s not fair to anybody what does Liz think she’s gaining or doing by hurting her own daughter like this? It’s just so vindictive and bitchy. Freaking unbelievable.
Thanks anyways for doing all that work to get it to her, it must have been a pretty big inconvenience. Ugh this is so damn awful I can’t even think right now. I’ll try to think of something else for their Christmas presents once I’m not so upset. Her third birthday and I had one chance to do something special for her so she knows I’m still thinking of her and I blew it. What was I thinking if she’s not letting me see them why did I think she’d let them receive stuff from me. I guess I hoped she’d put the kids first.
Solitary Refinement Chapter 11
Dear Joshua October 16th 2017
Hey I wanted to say something. Liz isn’t a bitch. I think that when I wrote you yesterday I was just venting because I was upset about Nina’s present I worked so hard to get for her get literally kicked to the curb. I still am upset but the things I said weren’t fair to say, especially about my own wife whom I love. She’s mad at me right now and I need to respect that, I’m the idiot that won’t stop poking my fingers into a situation she’s made pretty clear she wants me to stay out of for now. I guess I need to just not do anything for a while and let her come to me. I don’t know anymore it’s just so hard to not even try to do something for even the kids, especially with birthdays.
If you can think of any possible way I might be able to get through to her I’m all ears dude. It might seem crazy to you but I still miss her like you wouldn’t believe. Waking up next to her tomorrow morning would quite literally be a dream come true, especially considering that instead I’ll be waking up in a bunk bed above Kal. Right now I’m really hurt by her but this is all my fault anyways for being so stupid and naive I can’t really be mad at her.
I put her in this situation. Me, nobody else. One hundred percent my fault.
I hope she responds in the next few months. It’s just so hard to try and bridge the gap when I can’t even talk to her on the phone, just letters she can throw in the trash if she wants to. If I can’t get her to respond to me for my whole sentence I still know I’ll be able to get her to come around once I’m out, I always could even after years of me doing stupid crap that made her upset with me. I just need to be there in person than I know I can fix this. Come to think of it it seems like most of the time me ‘fixing’ it in the past wasn’t when I stopped doing what made her mad in the first place, like leaving the toilet seat up or inviting over guests without giving her a heads up. It was always when I’d take her out to a fancy restaurant and she could get dolled up. Or if I bought her a new outfit or paid for her to go to the spa with her friends. It was always that sort of thing that’d make her happy with me again. Didn’t matter that I’d have to do twelves for a week to pay for whatever I gave her, that’s what she wanted. What can you do right? That’s the queen I married and she wants to be treated like royalty, and I love her so I do. Just wasn’t enough sometimes.
Now I’m tired because I can’t sleep for fear of Kal. What I wouldn’t give to be tired because I had worked long hours to do something that made my lovely wife happy with her dummy of a husband again. Seriously I’ll listen to any idea you have at all no matter how crazy or far fetched it sounds, I’m so desperate to hear from her you have no idea.
Solitary Refinement Chapter 11
Dear Joshua October 16th 2017
Hey I wanted to say something. Liz isn’t a bitch. I think that when I wrote you yesterday I was just venting because I was upset about Nina’s present I worked so hard to get for her get literally kicked to the curb. I still am upset but the things I said weren’t fair to say, especially about my own wife whom I love. She’s mad at me right now and I need to respect that, I’m the idiot that won’t stop poking my fingers into a situation she’s made pretty clear she wants me to stay out of for now. I guess I need to just not do anything for a while and let her come to me. I don’t know anymore it’s just so hard to not even try to do something for even the kids, especially with birthdays.
If you can think of any possible way I might be able to get through to her I’m all ears dude. It might seem crazy to you but I still miss her like you wouldn’t believe. Waking up next to her tomorrow morning would quite literally be a dream come true, especially considering that instead I’ll be waking up in a bunk bed above Kal. Right now I’m really hurt by her but this is all my fault anyways for being so stupid and naive I can’t really be mad at her.
I put her in this situation. Me, nobody else. One hundred percent my fault.
I hope she responds in the next few months. It’s just so hard to try and bridge the gap when I can’t even talk to her on the phone, just letters she can throw in the trash if she wants to. If I can’t get her to respond to me for my whole sentence I still know I’ll be able to get her to come around once I’m out, I always could even after years of me doing stupid crap that made her upset with me. I just need to be there in person than I know I can fix this. Come to think of it it seems like most of the time me ‘fixing’ it in the past wasn’t when I stopped doing what made her mad in the first place, like leaving the toilet seat up or inviting over guests without giving her a heads up. It was always when I’d take her out to a fancy restaurant and she could get dolled up. Or if I bought her a new outfit or paid for her to go to the spa with her friends. It was always that sort of thing that’d make her happy with me again. Didn’t matter that I’d have to do twelves for a week to pay for whatever I gave her, that’s what she wanted. What can you do right? That’s the queen I married and she wants to be treated like royalty, and I love her so I do. Just wasn’t enough sometimes.
Now I’m tired because I can’t sleep for fear of Kal. What I wouldn’t give to be tired because I had worked long hours to do something that made my lovely wife happy with her dummy of a husband again. Seriously I’ll listen to any idea you have at all no matter how crazy or far fetched it sounds, I’m so desperate to hear from her you have no idea.
Solitary Refinement Chapter 10
Dear Joshua
October 15th 2017
What!? Are you serious?! Out on the curb with a free sign? Oh man that made me so upset I had to wait a few days to even reply to your letter. So I went to all the trouble to do extra work around here, often doing Trevor’s share too to get you that money. Then you wasted your own damn time picking that stupid trike up from whoever was selling it and dropped it off at my place. Liz knew exactly why it was there and still put it out on the curb. Did I ever tell you that I’m still giving Trevor my desserts as payment for that favour? I hope that little Nina didn’t see it and understand that it was meant for her before it got left out in the rain. I can see it all too clear in my head.
First she would see it and her eyes would light up, then she would start jumping up and down and giggling and screaming,
“Fir me fir me! Birfday Birfday yayyy!”
Then her brother would probably get her shoes and helmet while she was busy doing her happy dance so she could try it out right away. Then once she realized it was being taken away her mood would go back down, more slowly than it rose. Her grin would shift and tremble and then get stuck upside down. Her eyes would fill with tears as she tried to hold them back and then she wouldn’t be able to any longer and she’d just wail and wail and wail. Man I really hope that’s not how it went down.
What would she have said to poor little Nina?
“Sorry this isn’t for you?”
“This is here by mistake?”
“This is here from Daddy but you can’t have it?”
“Daddy is a bad guy and we don’t take things from bad guys?”
I just don’t get it man, it’s a birthday present for a child who has nothing to do with any of this. I hope Nina gets to have a fun party, she might not I was usually the one to plan all that and invite all her friends. This blows it’s not fair to anybody what does Liz think she’s gaining or doing by hurting her own daughter like this? It’s just so vindictive and bitchy. Freaking unbelievable.
Thanks anyways for doing all that work to get it to her, it must have been a pretty big inconvenience. Ugh this is so damn awful I can’t even think right now. I’ll try to think of something else for their Christmas presents once I’m not so upset. Her third birthday and I had one chance to do something special for her so she knows I’m still thinking of her and I blew it. What was I thinking if she’s not letting me see them why did I think she’d let them receive stuff from me. I guess I hoped she’d put the kids first.
Solitary Refinement Chapter 11
Dear Joshua October 16th 2017
Hey I wanted to say something. Liz isn’t a bitch. I think that when I wrote you yesterday I was just venting because I was upset about Nina’s present I worked so hard to get for her get literally kicked to the curb. I still am upset but the things I said weren’t fair to say, especially about my own wife whom I love. She’s mad at me right now and I need to respect that, I’m the idiot that won’t stop poking my fingers into a situation she’s made pretty clear she wants me to stay out of for now. I guess I need to just not do anything for a while and let her come to me. I don’t know anymore it’s just so hard to not even try to do something for even the kids, especially with birthdays.
If you can think of any possible way I might be able to get through to her I’m all ears dude. It might seem crazy to you but I still miss her like you wouldn’t believe. Waking up next to her tomorrow morning would quite literally be a dream come true, especially considering that instead I’ll be waking up in a bunk bed above Kal. Right now I’m really hurt by her but this is all my fault anyways for being so stupid and naive I can’t really be mad at her.
I put her in this situation. Me, nobody else. One hundred percent my fault.
I hope she responds in the next few months. It’s just so hard to try and bridge the gap when I can’t even talk to her on the phone, just letters she can throw in the trash if she wants to. If I can’t get her to respond to me for my whole sentence I still know I’ll be able to get her to come around once I’m out, I always could even after years of me doing stupid crap that made her upset with me. I just need to be there in person than I know I can fix this. Come to think of it it seems like most of the time me ‘fixing’ it in the past wasn’t when I stopped doing what made her mad in the first place, like leaving the toilet seat up or inviting over guests without giving her a heads up. It was always when I’d take her out to a fancy restaurant and she could get dolled up. Or if I bought her a new outfit or paid for her to go to the spa with her friends. It was always that sort of thing that’d make her happy with me again. Didn’t matter that I’d have to do twelves for a week to pay for whatever I gave her, that’s what she wanted. What can you do right? That’s the queen I married and she wants to be treated like royalty, and I love her so I do. Just wasn’t enough sometimes.
Now I’m tired because I can’t sleep for fear of Kal. What I wouldn’t give to be tired because I had worked long hours to do something that made my lovely wife happy with her dummy of a husband again. Seriously I’ll listen to any idea you have at all no matter how crazy or far fetched it sounds, I’m so desperate to hear from her you have no idea.
Vagabond Prophet 