Solitary Refinement Chapter 17

Dear Joshua December 20th 2017

Okay that makes sense that you think I should tell a guard or warden about the threatening note on my pillow and the fact I was assaulted. Except that a guard purposely turned his back on the incident and he’s not the only guard that is chummy with Trevor so I have no idea if I can trust any of them. So if I go make a report to a guard this could get a whole lot worse really fast. Try again, thanks though. Ugh I need to think about something else.

Are you enjoying the snow this year? Usually I love it, sliding around in the car and sledding with the kids and having snowball fights. So much fun, totally worth freezing my hands off working outside. This year all I can think of is how I’m not going to be with my family at Christmas. They’ll hang stockings and have a tree by now, lights will be all over the place and all the pillows in the house will have red and green covers now. Here nothing really changes, it’s just colder than usual that’s all. Once in awhile I see a guard yell, “ho ho ho!” before smacking an inmate with his baton for stepping out of line. Not exactly what I picture when I think of Christmas.

Trevor has had me doing some things I really don’t like but I don’t really feel like I have a choice. Yesterday he told me he wanted some packets of peanut butter from the kitchen right before I went to my cooking class. I guess it’s not a big deal it’s just peanut butter but I just am so worried about anything he asks me to do now, I don’t know what he’s up to. All I do know is I don’t want to be on his bad side.

Have you ever been in a situation as tight as this before? Where your stuck between two evils trying to appease both and not even sure which one is worse? I barely sleep at all now I’m so freaking stressed. Most of the time my eyes are bloodshot and I’m all sweaty. Trevor asks me what’s wrong and I tell him nothing. I feel so alone, so lost at sea surrounded by circling sharks. Kal is still giggling in his sleep and staring at me whenever I’m not around people. He licks his lips a lot, they’re cracked and bleeding now but he doesn’t seem to care. Sometimes he leaves me notes on my pillow that just say, “sleep tight.” What the hell am I supposed to do with that? How can I ignore that giggle, and that stare with his weird glasses and his great big bleeding grin?

He still hasn’t touched me or hit me or even spoken to me, I think that’s because of my relationship with Trevor but I just don’t know if he’ll soon have me doing more than stealing peanut butter. Peanut butter seems like such a random thing, what could he need it for and why from me? He’s friends with kitchen staff why not just ask them. Maybe it’s better if I don’t ask those kinds of questions it’s not like I actually have a choice in whether or not I listen to what he asks of me.

Also I did read that suggestion of yours in your last letter and no dude just no. I can’t divorce Liz I don’t even know why you would ask that! What the hell is wrong with you? Yes I’m upset that I don’t get to see my kids and that she won’t communicate with me at all but she’s upset because of the situation I put us in. I can’t do that to her or Alister or Nina, and I don’t want to do that to myself. Damn it dude she’s my wife and I love her! What explanation do I need past that?! Vow’s, I made vow’s doesn’t that matter? I know what you’re going to say and no she wouldn’t cheat on me just because I’m gone, she rarely had sex with me so why would she go seeking it out with some random person. Screw you man.

Solitary Refinement Chapter 1

vagabondprophet:

Dearest Elizabeth June 18 2017

I hope you and the children are well. I miss you guys so much it’s painful. I still cannot believe I’m in prison. Convict, inmate, incarcerated, prisoner, criminal. I never ever thought that these words could be used to describe me.

It all sounds so fruitless to tell you now but it’s just like I said in court. I had been laid off from my job, more workers than they could afford once some of the investors pulled out of the contract. I didn’t want to come home from work early to tell you I had to look for work again, not again.

It was raining that day so I took the bus. When I was at the bus stop I was talking to a guy about how he hasn’t seen me at this time of day before because I just got fired. He was a big guy, broad shoulders, shaved head. He told me he owned a business and was actually looking for able bodied men who take directions well.

“I can do it! I’m your man, let me see it’s Friday today so I’ll get you a resume and references and meet you on Monday? Does that work for you?” I said to him.

“ That won’t be necessary, I trust your word. If you tell me you’re solid I’ll believe you. Just don’t let me down.” He replied.

That bastard! He was so friendly, so kind. You always said I was too trusting of people and I should have listened to you. What was I thinking! Getting hired at a bus stop without any kind of interview or anything. I should have smelled the bull shit right away but I couldn’t, all I could think was how I wouldn’t have to tell you I’d lost my job.

I was so happy. I’d been saved. After one day “working” with this man I find myself slammed in jail, the court, and now here. All so fast.

Day one he just told me that we were just picking up some cash from somebody who owed him on the way to the work site. So we pulled up to the back of this building and he told me to wait by the door with a bag. I just stood there waiting, totally oblivious they were robbing the place until alarms started ringing and cops showed up to cuff me. The bag I was holding had a gun in it I didn’t know about, the other guys had bolted out a different exit.

Now I have to listen to the people here drone on and on about things I really can’t care about. They keep talking about programs that they offer here. Education, skills training, that sort of thing. So many guys here haven’t even finished high school. For me though it all sounds so pointless. They keep reminding us to take our programs seriously as they prepare us for rehabilitation into society. I know how to live in society! I was real good at it too. I had a job, I paid taxes, I got educated. I was a construction worker for goodness sake I was the damn poster boy for responsible citizen. Working hard to support a family, rain or shine. Exercise in the evenings, cycling to work to reduce my carbon footprint. All the stuff these programs are supposed to prepare me for. Now I’m stuck here for five long years.

I can’t even pretend to care about how any of that matters. Right now all I can think of is how today is Father’s Day and I’m in prison. I’m going to end this letter now and go to the visiting area in case you guys decide to surprise me with a visit. It’s the only thought that’s gotten me through the day.

Sincerely,

Your Husband